Monday, August 20, 2007

you and me baby aint nothing but mamals....

The lack of posts on my new blog doesn't mean I have stopped thinking and searching ..... I sometimes wish I could, or maybe its better to say I often need to remind myself I should..... which I do - do.
In the real world I went from having no one to talk to - to being surrounded by brilliant individuals, so most of my learning is now directed outwards as opposed to the internal reflection I once struggled to contain.
I have also managed to put myself back together.
with help from a few .......

Jung - Myers - Briggs have aided me in understanding myself

am whats labeled INFJ personality

which translates - introverted - intuitive - feeling - judging
very useful tools in understanding people.
No one type is more "right" to be. Everyone is different!
Though I'm not sure if we are born or made into what each are, accepting and learning how to use yourself is key.
both encouraging "strenghts" and overcoming "weaknesses"
and reading that above link kind of put the pieces back in place for me.
Its not that I blame others - ever!!!!! but it sure would be nice if it was possible to tell another person something and at least have them consider maybe they aren't perfect either???
Actually I can trace back to all the things that brought out the INFJ in me, and its fascinating to find many of my own personal role models on the famous INFJ list, even before I knew they were there.
its like Socrates said after all .... people made of the same substance are connected to each other in the sense that they come from the same source.
sure there are lots of things I wish I were, or could be ..... but trying to hard to be what you're not, through force either by self or other just makes a mess of everyone.
Which is why I put more hope and focus onto the youth of the world, its true .... you can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially when they do not want to learn (cause they are right and know everything already) ..... but that's another topic.
Being connected to Socrates, I have also given up on "arguing" to prove a point and have instead been practicing his style of "questioning" others and their theories as opposed to "debating".
I might be an idiot, but I'm surely not stupid!!
The things people say are just ridiculous!!
And the "intelligent" ones are making less and less sense.
especially when they try to use science as evidence to back their logic.
Including political science.
Everyone is sooooo fundamental!!!
and I don't know which is worst religious or non religious groups.
One almost refuses to accept facts and the other fails to recognise any harm or damage to our existence being caused by their cold hard facts and flat meaningless reality.
To me it doesn't take a genius to memorize information, if people want to say we evolved from chimps maybe we did??? it does not change the fact we are no longer monkeys and if they want to be part of the experiment and learn to push the right buttons in order to avoid electrical shock .... good luck to them!!
Knowledge like anything else if not progressive becomes stagnant. The above image is an expanded version of the work done by Abraham Maslow, whos original had only 5 stages linking man to the animal kingdom, some more human elements that separate us from that have been added.
Humans as individuals and on a whole share a common goal .... survival.
but can the levels on the pyramid really be called "needs"?
Why in our modern world do we seem to be regressing or progressing into a lower animal state instead of our higher self?
If Darwin was right we as humans work against evolution and support our every weakness until it becomes dominate.
I once had someone comment that the war for survival will ultimately be fought between the haves and have nots. Im not sure what that means, but I might be cheering for the have nots to win.
(don't freak out at that .... without an explanation)
but the way things head in the "haves" world, kind of make us as a species some hideous disease infecting the planet like uncontrolled parasites devouring everything including each other.
and the things they focus on aren't really the traits I would consider admirable in people.
looks, material gain, power ...etc.
then add everything connected to pride to the list including race, nationality, and religion.
none of those things lead to survival they lead to destruction.
If the the world wants to convince each other we are nothing but animals don't be surprised when we start acting like ones.
and to the religious police .... its true the world is full of "sin", but how do you control the actions of others and expect it to magically solve everything?
if God searches hearts and minds wouldn't it make more sense to work at changing those things first.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


While watching random U-tube videos I ran across this short series
"The history of woman sex symbols"
Its a slide show of famous female icons starting from early 1900's.
you really can tell a lot from pictures.
At first I thought to myself WOW!
The early women give new definition to the term timeless beauty.
Everyone of them just ooze some incredible combination of - womanhood, confidence, and individuality, and all in very feminine ways.
who decides what we find "attractive"?
Men or women?
As the history progresses the females go from strong - to frail and helpless looking, but the tribute ends with 70's icons.
Continuing on my own, today's images that set the impossible standard for us girls to live up to ...... seems to tell us we should be both/either - men and hormonal driven objects or divas..
where being "female" in any way is almost a weakness compared to the empowered bitches that are taking over everything.
The art of being woman is dead!
I have just as much sympathy for the men out there, the regular everyday ones .... and I have to agree with shania and say "that don't impress me much!!"
LOL now Im side tracked thinking of men and the second true love of my impressionable young dreams .... ahhhh sigh, Michael - ;)
ahem... anyway,
The world has become a very shallow and soulless place to live in, and I blame both sexes equally.
I credit "religion" and "science" combined as the causes.
where one as an establishment holds woman guilty for the down fall of man and sentences her to an eternally oppressed existence, the other as a theory almost erases her duty and role as a separate necessity.
In no way am I saying men and woman are not of equal worth and value, neither is above the other!
But what is happening?
When did men and women stop working together and start using each other or battling for control?
Personally I was born and raised inside a "mans world" I don't know how to relate to other women.
In attempting to figure it all out I went back to the beginning, if that's where the truth is found, and tried to understand the concept of Adam and Eve as founders of the human race, spiritually, philosophically, and scientifically according to what the study of evolution has taught us.
but what exactly have we evolved into?

I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin out on the line
I can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts 'fore you can count from 1 to 9
I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
Throw it in the skillet, go out & do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again

I can rub & scrub this old house til it's shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, & powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then
Lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again

If you come to me sickly you know I'm gonna make you well
If you come to me all hexed up you know I'm gonna break the spell
If you come to me hungry you know I'm gonna fill you full of grits
If it's lovin you're likin, I'll kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again

I can stretch! a green black dollar bill from here to kindom come!
I can play the numbers pay the bills and still end up with some!
I got a twenty-dollar gold piece says there ain't nothing I can't do
I can make a dress out of a feed bag and I can make a man out of you
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I'll say it again
'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N, and that's all.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Caution extreme female drivel ahead

That's my new favorite word, not one I wanted just the only one I got.
The bible says sighs are your soul somehow speaking up for you ... interceding with prayers on your behalf.
Another text in the Nag Hamdi names "sigh" as a demon principality ..... either way I think it's translated into - " I don't know what to do!"
Whats wrong with me?
It's simple.
I am not happy -
which does NOT mean I'm not a happy person at all!
cause I am! just by nature.
But my life right now is kind of like that movie with Tom Hanks stuck at the air port waiting helplessly, and day to day he just lives fully best he can, where he is in that moment .... aching on the inside to go home every second of it.
Sigh again...
I don't know where my home is any more ..... or where I belong.
And the pain in my heart pulls me to go - somewhere? with such strength I literally have to put my hands over it and beg it to stop!
Top this with the fact I have enough life experience to know, whats right and wrong, what works what doesn't, who I am, what I need - all that crap ..... and I don't ever want to hurt myself or anyone else again....... and throw into the mix that makes me ... some almost cruel joke being the combination of - child like carefree attitude and out look, full of endless possibilities and hope. Fused together with a sense of duty , responsibility and over thinking logic.
So I could today..this very moment leave where I am with nothing but the clothes on my back with absolute confidence in myself that from there I could build an entire kingdom from scratch!
I'm fearless like that.... I even believe the bad things in life that happen are all part of the all in their own way - just meant to be. They bring lessons, growth ... build caricature ... its destiny. Better to just give into it and let it lead, it does all work out ... people who try to control it end up with bitterness like Hitler...... (long story) or risk becoming very shallow and empty ........ still there are choices don't get me wrong.
Where does my heart want to be so badly? where is destiny pulling me?
Reminds me of some story about a man lost at sea praying for god to save him ... three ships come but he turns them all down thinking god will answer in a more "miraculous" way. He dies of course .... goes to heaven angry ..... "why didn't you save me?" God says "I sent 3 ships you IDIOT!"

If your stranded on an Island you have 2 choices .... wait and hope someone finds you someday ... or build a raft.
I'm very determined and impatient I built a raft!!!
and am now drifting at sea ....
Sigh sigh sigh
First off as independent as I always need to be .... I don't believe humans were designed/evolved to function "alone"!
True balance in life can only be achieved through "self" and "other".
Man and woman working together as one through their individual roles.
I know my role and am willing to play it with ultimate commitment.
but I have a terrible disease that makes me able to adapt to anyone and get along
I never try to or want to "change" anyone, and I offer absolute freedom in everything they are want to be and do with them selves, even support them through that, and honestly I ask for nothing .... not one thing in return.
Sounds right always ends bad.
experience has taught me when you tell someone they are free to do as they please ... that's exactly what they do ... what ever THEY want.
And when you ask for nothing that's what they give you.
The answer to that problem is easy.
Blah blah blah ... skipping over what makes a good balanced relationship.
And no I don't expect things to always be perfect either !!!!!! and I am vocal with my needs!!!
I have been "single" for a year now.
I hate it!
Celibate too .... :(
you can laugh at that - I do.
It may be strange to say I don't "hold back" due to any moral beliefs,
neither am I sexually inhibited or frigid ....
Just that like I already said... I know myself...what I need and what makes me happy and satisfied.
Two people at least having some respect and caring for each other at an equal level would be a nice start.
And I don't think of love as some delusional romantic fantasy, but there should be some kind of spark that starts it? some feelings that don't revolve entirely around sex? right?
and I DO believe in love at first sight, it's real Ive seen it happen, heard all the ridiculous stories.... I'll skip sharing them.
At the opposite end Ive also seen my grandparents celebrate their 50 plus years of marriage that was arranged like some business agreement based on unemotional duty .... and I know they loved each other in their own way as cold as it felt to view, it made them happy ..... doesn't work for me - every ones different.
Now I'm getting way off topic .....
Lost at sea that's were I am.
and yes ships do come ....
with all sorts of offers .......
none going any where I would like to go ...
I don't think men understand what it's like to be a woman.
alot of woman don't help either.
Think I'll stop with the man woman stuff ... I'm far from desperate.
................... Obviously in the past I have had some very other focused relationships.....
with little or no self ....
and I made steps to change that - and now it's like I walked right into a brick wall, where I have self and no other, something to come home to at least a pet might help even but I'm not allowed one .... and I really really have to move away to continue in any way.
I know I don't need anyone to do anything .... and I don't expect them to.
But boy would it be nice ....
where do I go and how do I get there?
how do you find a job in a new city with no where to stay or start from?
how do you find a place of your own to start from with out a job first?

I know lots of people do it ..... but it can take years!!
I don't want to be lost at sea for years busting my ass working 3 jobs to save money and do it all safe and responsible like .. and alone ...... what kind of person would that turn me into? One I don't want to be I'm sure.
and where to go when you have the whole world to chose from??
some direction would be nice?
and from someone who knows me ... or at least understands what I'm about.
and what happens when I get there? what's to keep me from being exactly where I am right now on a personal level?or worse!
with not even one friend for a safe place on the lowest level?
sigh sigh sigh and double sigh!!!
see how I drive myself cazy!!
Honestly I hold true to the concept that life can be so simple I swear, and beautiful - over flowing even, magic too .... LOL
God please save me from becoming like everyone else and rationalizing everything special into some hopeless nothing.
and if anyone reads this and leaves a comment that includes the word "self" in any form or reference... including "the answer is with in" ...... so help me!!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I'm sitting here trying to think how to properly phrase myself in a way that clearly expresses how I feel. I want to say something like all the fighting and killing that goes on everyday all over the world ...
"gets on my nerves"?
no that's no good....
how about..??
Pisses me the f*$^ off!!!
yeah! sounds a little better (still not quite right)
Just the stupidity of it I can never ever figure out?
and the anger it fills me with just cant be defined.
I have been told by many people I live in some fluffy, lala land of idealistic utopia ...
really? where do you live then?
I like my world a lot better.
You should try it.... its one where we all get along ..
....then we get up and go to work, pay our bills all that fun stuff too and even bad things happen sometimes....
But I'm not going to play Mr. Rodgers today.
Every now and then ... inside the HELL some to chose to bring into life for all of us to share...
Something or someone decides hey it might be nice to smile today ....
what ever ...
Iraq celebrates
...... and there is nothing to connect with war or politics in this post. SO DON"T DO IT!

but just look how something that is in some ways sooo meaningless can bring people together.
How is it that the serious things we call "causes" and other important words .... like "god"
"patriotism" "laws" "economy" etc.... you know the things that we are told bring purpose to life are the very things that cause most- if not all of the problems including the fighting and killing?

creatures (just for a while)

My name is "volatile"
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated
wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me
hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy

Sunday, July 22, 2007

head ache

All the religious and anti religious arguing in the world today is really giving me an ulcer!!!!
I think my brain may explode too.
Personally I think all and every religion should be just that - personal!
and I'm pretty sure all and every religion in the world states this.
how then do they become such powerful establishments?
and who decides what "god" really wants?.... when the entire concept is soooo open to opinion with out anything to back it up as proof out side of religious text from how many years ago?
To think any of it has remind un altered is ridiculous for any one to believe in this day and age.
and to say gods will never changes is an impossible concept.
The world changes, people change, needs change, knowledge increases, everything changes.
anything that never does is stagnant, and things that don't grow, progress , move... are dead, decaying and useless or nothing more than tools and objects for things that are.
Why over time do people take things so literal yet without meaning and see everything so flat like a photograph?
We live a dimensional existence, does someone have to prove the world is round again?
and we call ourselves advanced?
What happened to great minds like Spinoza.
People who sought out the unseens to find the true meaning?
Or is it no one wants to know the truth anymore?

Monday, July 16, 2007

I just realized some things... just this second.
shit!!! the list is ever growing .......

first would be, from reading this blog, you might think I'm like twelve years old... lol
at heart - maybe .... forever I hope!
...but that doesn't make me irresponsible or immature either - just a bit silly.

second is more serious .... (possibly over dramatic as well)
There seems to be 2 groups of people in my life.
Ones screaming at me to lay down and die!
and others yelling get up and live!
What I really wish is that all of them would just shut up!
But it made me think of a story, or see it .... as a symbolic analogy to this whole life thing ...
which really is very simple, could or should be at least...
Long story short - when Moses died angels came and fought over his body.
The "devil" and "god".
Maybe its like the Eunanna thing..... and these two beings represent his own shadow and light self and ultimately its us who decide or judge somehow?
Each without the other is equally void and without form.
and I don't mean that in the traditional good -vs- evil sense ...
I am the only one who knows me totally, and right now I think I really should go outside for a while.