Caution extreme female drivel ahead

Sigh...
That's my new favorite word, not one I wanted just the only one I got.
The bible says sighs are your soul somehow speaking up for you ... interceding with prayers on your behalf.
Another text in the Nag Hamdi names "sigh" as a demon principality ..... either way I think it's translated into - " I don't know what to do!"
Whats wrong with me?
It's simple.
I am not happy -
which does NOT mean I'm not a happy person at all!
cause I am! just by nature.
But my life right now is kind of like that movie with Tom Hanks stuck at the air port waiting helplessly, and day to day he just lives fully best he can, where he is in that moment .... aching on the inside to go home every second of it.
Sigh again...
I don't know where my home is any more ..... or where I belong.
And the pain in my heart pulls me to go - somewhere? with such strength I literally have to put my hands over it and beg it to stop!
Top this with the fact I have enough life experience to know, whats right and wrong, what works what doesn't, who I am, what I need - all that crap ..... and I don't ever want to hurt myself or anyone else again....... and throw into the mix that makes me ... some almost cruel joke being the combination of - child like carefree attitude and out look, full of endless possibilities and hope. Fused together with a sense of duty , responsibility and over thinking logic.
So I could today..this very moment leave where I am with nothing but the clothes on my back with absolute confidence in myself that from there I could build an entire kingdom from scratch!
I'm fearless like that.... I even believe the bad things in life that happen are all part of the all in their own way - just meant to be. They bring lessons, growth ... build caricature ... its destiny. Better to just give into it and let it lead, it does all work out ... people who try to control it end up with bitterness like Hitler...... (long story) or risk becoming very shallow and empty ........ still there are choices don't get me wrong.
Where does my heart want to be so badly? where is destiny pulling me?
Reminds me of some story about a man lost at sea praying for god to save him ... three ships come but he turns them all down thinking god will answer in a more "miraculous" way. He dies of course .... goes to heaven angry ..... "why didn't you save me?" God says "I sent 3 ships you IDIOT!"

If your stranded on an Island you have 2 choices .... wait and hope someone finds you someday ... or build a raft.
I'm very determined and impatient I built a raft!!!
and am now drifting at sea ....
Sigh sigh sigh
First off as independent as I always need to be .... I don't believe humans were designed/evolved to function "alone"!
True balance in life can only be achieved through "self" and "other".
Man and woman working together as one through their individual roles.
I know my role and am willing to play it with ultimate commitment.
but I have a terrible disease that makes me able to adapt to anyone and get along
I never try to or want to "change" anyone, and I offer absolute freedom in everything they are want to be and do with them selves, even support them through that, and honestly I ask for nothing .... not one thing in return.
Sounds right always ends bad.
experience has taught me when you tell someone they are free to do as they please ... that's exactly what they do ... what ever THEY want.
And when you ask for nothing that's what they give you.
The answer to that problem is easy.
Balance!
Blah blah blah ... skipping over what makes a good balanced relationship.
And no I don't expect things to always be perfect either !!!!!! and I am vocal with my needs!!!
I have been "single" for a year now.
I hate it!
Celibate too .... :(
you can laugh at that - I do.
It may be strange to say I don't "hold back" due to any moral beliefs,
neither am I sexually inhibited or frigid ....
Just that like I already said... I know myself...what I need and what makes me happy and satisfied.
Two people at least having some respect and caring for each other at an equal level would be a nice start.
And I don't think of love as some delusional romantic fantasy, but there should be some kind of spark that starts it? some feelings that don't revolve entirely around sex? right?
and I DO believe in love at first sight, it's real Ive seen it happen, heard all the ridiculous stories.... I'll skip sharing them.
At the opposite end Ive also seen my grandparents celebrate their 50 plus years of marriage that was arranged like some business agreement based on unemotional duty .... and I know they loved each other in their own way as cold as it felt to view, it made them happy ..... doesn't work for me - every ones different.
Now I'm getting way off topic .....
Lost at sea that's were I am.
and yes ships do come ....
with all sorts of offers .......
none going any where I would like to go ...
I don't think men understand what it's like to be a woman.
alot of woman don't help either.
Think I'll stop with the man woman stuff ... I'm far from desperate.
................... Obviously in the past I have had some very other focused relationships.....
with little or no self ....
and I made steps to change that - and now it's like I walked right into a brick wall, where I have self and no other, something to come home to at least a pet might help even but I'm not allowed one .... and I really really have to move away to continue in any way.
I know I don't need anyone to do anything .... and I don't expect them to.
But boy would it be nice ....
where do I go and how do I get there?
how do you find a job in a new city with no where to stay or start from?
how do you find a place of your own to start from with out a job first?

I know lots of people do it ..... but it can take years!!
I don't want to be lost at sea for years busting my ass working 3 jobs to save money and do it all safe and responsible like .. and alone ...... what kind of person would that turn me into? One I don't want to be I'm sure.
and where to go when you have the whole world to chose from??
some direction would be nice?
and from someone who knows me ... or at least understands what I'm about.
and what happens when I get there? what's to keep me from being exactly where I am right now on a personal level?or worse!
with not even one friend for a safe place on the lowest level?
sigh sigh sigh and double sigh!!!
see how I drive myself cazy!!
Honestly I hold true to the concept that life can be so simple I swear, and beautiful - over flowing even, magic too .... LOL
God please save me from becoming like everyone else and rationalizing everything special into some hopeless nothing.
and if anyone reads this and leaves a comment that includes the word "self" in any form or reference... including "the answer is with in" ...... so help me!!
sigh!!!