Caution extreme female drivel ahead

Sigh...
That's my new favorite word, not one I wanted just the only one I got.
The bible says sighs are your soul somehow speaking up for you ... interceding with prayers on your behalf.
Another text in the Nag Hamdi names "sigh" as a demon principality ..... either way I think it's translated into - " I don't know what to do!"
Whats wrong with me?
It's simple.
I am not happy -
which does NOT mean I'm not a happy person at all!
cause I am! just by nature.
But my life right now is kind of like that movie with Tom Hanks stuck at the air port waiting helplessly, and day to day he just lives fully best he can, where he is in that moment .... aching on the inside to go home every second of it.
Sigh again...
I don't know where my home is any more ..... or where I belong.
And the pain in my heart pulls me to go - somewhere? with such strength I literally have to put my hands over it and beg it to stop!
Top this with the fact I have enough life experience to know, whats right and wrong, what works what doesn't, who I am, what I need - all that crap ..... and I don't ever want to hurt myself or anyone else again....... and throw into the mix that makes me ... some almost cruel joke being the combination of - child like carefree attitude and out look, full of endless possibilities and hope. Fused together with a sense of duty , responsibility and over thinking logic.
So I could today..this very moment leave where I am with nothing but the clothes on my back with absolute confidence in myself that from there I could build an entire kingdom from scratch!
I'm fearless like that.... I even believe the bad things in life that happen are all part of the all in their own way - just meant to be. They bring lessons, growth ... build caricature ... its destiny. Better to just give into it and let it lead, it does all work out ... people who try to control it end up with bitterness like Hitler...... (long story) or risk becoming very shallow and empty ........ still there are choices don't get me wrong.
Where does my heart want to be so badly? where is destiny pulling me?
Reminds me of some story about a man lost at sea praying for god to save him ... three ships come but he turns them all down thinking god will answer in a more "miraculous" way. He dies of course .... goes to heaven angry ..... "why didn't you save me?" God says "I sent 3 ships you IDIOT!"

If your stranded on an Island you have 2 choices .... wait and hope someone finds you someday ... or build a raft.
I'm very determined and impatient I built a raft!!!
and am now drifting at sea ....
Sigh sigh sigh
First off as independent as I always need to be .... I don't believe humans were designed/evolved to function "alone"!
True balance in life can only be achieved through "self" and "other".
Man and woman working together as one through their individual roles.
I know my role and am willing to play it with ultimate commitment.
but I have a terrible disease that makes me able to adapt to anyone and get along
I never try to or want to "change" anyone, and I offer absolute freedom in everything they are want to be and do with them selves, even support them through that, and honestly I ask for nothing .... not one thing in return.
Sounds right always ends bad.
experience has taught me when you tell someone they are free to do as they please ... that's exactly what they do ... what ever THEY want.
And when you ask for nothing that's what they give you.
The answer to that problem is easy.
Balance!
Blah blah blah ... skipping over what makes a good balanced relationship.
And no I don't expect things to always be perfect either !!!!!! and I am vocal with my needs!!!
I have been "single" for a year now.
I hate it!
Celibate too .... :(
you can laugh at that - I do.
It may be strange to say I don't "hold back" due to any moral beliefs,
neither am I sexually inhibited or frigid ....
Just that like I already said... I know myself...what I need and what makes me happy and satisfied.
Two people at least having some respect and caring for each other at an equal level would be a nice start.
And I don't think of love as some delusional romantic fantasy, but there should be some kind of spark that starts it? some feelings that don't revolve entirely around sex? right?
and I DO believe in love at first sight, it's real Ive seen it happen, heard all the ridiculous stories.... I'll skip sharing them.
At the opposite end Ive also seen my grandparents celebrate their 50 plus years of marriage that was arranged like some business agreement based on unemotional duty .... and I know they loved each other in their own way as cold as it felt to view, it made them happy ..... doesn't work for me - every ones different.
Now I'm getting way off topic .....
Lost at sea that's were I am.
and yes ships do come ....
with all sorts of offers .......
none going any where I would like to go ...
I don't think men understand what it's like to be a woman.
alot of woman don't help either.
Think I'll stop with the man woman stuff ... I'm far from desperate.
................... Obviously in the past I have had some very other focused relationships.....
with little or no self ....
and I made steps to change that - and now it's like I walked right into a brick wall, where I have self and no other, something to come home to at least a pet might help even but I'm not allowed one .... and I really really have to move away to continue in any way.
I know I don't need anyone to do anything .... and I don't expect them to.
But boy would it be nice ....
where do I go and how do I get there?
how do you find a job in a new city with no where to stay or start from?
how do you find a place of your own to start from with out a job first?

I know lots of people do it ..... but it can take years!!
I don't want to be lost at sea for years busting my ass working 3 jobs to save money and do it all safe and responsible like .. and alone ...... what kind of person would that turn me into? One I don't want to be I'm sure.
and where to go when you have the whole world to chose from??
some direction would be nice?
and from someone who knows me ... or at least understands what I'm about.
and what happens when I get there? what's to keep me from being exactly where I am right now on a personal level?or worse!
with not even one friend for a safe place on the lowest level?
sigh sigh sigh and double sigh!!!
see how I drive myself cazy!!
Honestly I hold true to the concept that life can be so simple I swear, and beautiful - over flowing even, magic too .... LOL
God please save me from becoming like everyone else and rationalizing everything special into some hopeless nothing.
and if anyone reads this and leaves a comment that includes the word "self" in any form or reference... including "the answer is with in" ...... so help me!!
sigh!!!

so,
I'm sitting here trying to think how to properly phrase myself in a way that clearly expresses how I feel. I want to say something like all the fighting and killing that goes on everyday all over the world ...
"gets on my nerves"?
no that's no good....
how about..??
Pisses me the f*$^ off!!!
yeah! sounds a little better (still not quite right)
Just the stupidity of it I can never ever figure out?
and the anger it fills me with just cant be defined.
I have been told by many people I live in some fluffy, lala land of idealistic utopia ...
really? where do you live then?
I like my world a lot better.
You should try it.... its one where we all get along ..
....then we get up and go to work, pay our bills all that fun stuff too and even bad things happen sometimes....
But I'm not going to play Mr. Rodgers today.
Every now and then ... inside the HELL some to chose to bring into life for all of us to share...
Something or someone decides hey it might be nice to smile today ....
what ever ...
Iraq celebrates
...... and there is nothing to connect with war or politics in this post. SO DON"T DO IT!


but just look how something that is in some ways sooo meaningless can bring people together.
How is it that the serious things we call "causes" and other important words .... like "god"
"patriotism" "laws" "economy" etc.... you know the things that we are told bring purpose to life are the very things that cause most- if not all of the problems including the fighting and killing?
sigh.

creatures (just for a while)

My name is "volatile"
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it

The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift

Is there ever a time
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind

Highly frustrated
wanna feel elated
Come monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

Just creatures, Just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes

Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

I know what you we're gonna say
But were afraid to cause dismay
You're lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display

It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me
hand and hand

Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down

Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full

I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while

Just creatures, just creatures

It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you

I go a little crazy

head ache

All the religious and anti religious arguing in the world today is really giving me an ulcer!!!!
I think my brain may explode too.
Personally I think all and every religion should be just that - personal!
and I'm pretty sure all and every religion in the world states this.
how then do they become such powerful establishments?
and who decides what "god" really wants?.... when the entire concept is soooo open to opinion with out anything to back it up as proof out side of religious text from how many years ago?
To think any of it has remind un altered is ridiculous for any one to believe in this day and age.
and to say gods will never changes is an impossible concept.
The world changes, people change, needs change, knowledge increases, everything changes.
anything that never does is stagnant, and things that don't grow, progress , move... are dead, decaying and useless or nothing more than tools and objects for things that are.
Why over time do people take things so literal yet without meaning and see everything so flat like a photograph?
We live a dimensional existence, does someone have to prove the world is round again?
and we call ourselves advanced?
What happened to great minds like Spinoza.
People who sought out the unseens to find the true meaning?
Or is it no one wants to know the truth anymore?

I just realized some things... just this second.
shit!!! the list is ever growing .......

first would be, from reading this blog, you might think I'm like twelve years old... lol
at heart - maybe .... forever I hope!
...but that doesn't make me irresponsible or immature either - just a bit silly.

second is more serious .... (possibly over dramatic as well)
There seems to be 2 groups of people in my life.
Ones screaming at me to lay down and die!
and others yelling get up and live!
What I really wish is that all of them would just shut up!
But it made me think of a story, or see it .... as a symbolic analogy to this whole life thing ...
which really is very simple, could or should be at least...
Long story short - when Moses died angels came and fought over his body.
The "devil" and "god".
Maybe its like the Eunanna thing..... and these two beings represent his own shadow and light self and ultimately its us who decide or judge somehow?
Each without the other is equally void and without form.
and I don't mean that in the traditional good -vs- evil sense ...
I am the only one who knows me totally, and right now I think I really should go outside for a while.

Geek

sooo... someone made me remember something today I think about quite often actually and still laugh.

its silly really .... when I was little me and my brother Pete used to always play Star Wars ...
here's how it usually went ... (and believe it or not ...I'm the oldest child!)

Pete- "Ok! you be princess Leia ...."

Me- "but I don't want to be princess Leia"

Pete - "you have to be cause you're a girl and shes the only girl there is!"

Me - "but star wars is an entire universe! not just a movie. so there are lots of other girls ... you just cant see them"

Pete - "we are just pretending... you're princess Leia..."

Me- " no, I'm just NOT her! ... I have the force and she doesn't"

Pete - "your only saying that cause you want the light saber, and you can't be a boy!"

me - " I don't want the light saber! and I don't want to be a boy! sigh.... princess Leia is Luke's sister! and I'm gonna marry him!! I CAN'T be princess Leia!!!"

Pete - "grrr!!! will you just go over there and wait for me to rescue you!!"

me- "I don't want you to rescue me!!!"

................ and this would go on and on.
It made me angry!! I seriously did not want to be princess Leia! so I started reading all the star wars series books looking for another girl I could be .... sadly I grew up before Luke and Mara Jade met ................... but funny to learn she was in the movie all along!!
and not so funny ... she is killed in combat!!
great, now I might be wishing I was princess leia...... poor Luke :(

lol !!!! I swear!!! you can find anything!!! on UTube....
Mara Jade

wait that song (in above link) has always been on my "hate list" !
... all of these are wayyyyyy cheesy!

but entertaining


I said "anything" already right?

it might be mean to say, but its kind of refreshing to know there are people crazier than me out there... and putting alot of energy into making Luke and Mara videos?

......... I'm not ashamed to embarrass myself by adding - seeing Luke still kind a makes my heart all tickle-ly .... sigh

My playlist....

for sara..... I'm a ocean and your an island.... lol .... maybe the atmosphere is a sea of air, that would make you an ocean too.... :P
makes me think of a scene from the new pirates of the Caribbean .... Calypso, I release you.....

"If you become (like) dust, then even a mild wind will blow you and scatter you and will carry you wherever it wishes. If you become (like) a stone (i.e. develop the characteristics of a stone in yourself) then you will break any glass which comes your way."

"If you become (like) dew then your destiny will be an abyss and lowness (and even a mild ray of sunshine will wipe you out of existence). If you become (like) an ocean then your destiny will acquire depth and permanence."

option #1
we could live beside the ocean... leave the fire behind, swim out past the breaker, watch the world die ... :(

option #2
give you Id card to the border guard ...alias says that you're jeanluke picard of the united federation of planets, cause he won't speak English anyway .... :P


option #3
time I cannot change
So heres to looking back Id drink a bottle of my pride and toast to change
To keep these demons off my back get these demons off my back
Cause I want to shimmer I want to shine I want to radiate
I want to live
I want to love
I want to try

ummmm.... 3 always has been lucky, think I pick it.
where to start?
guess from where you are is the only place.
..... where did I put my towel?


Well, I’m running down the road
Tryin’ to loosen my load
I’ve got seven men on
My mind,
Four that wanna own me,
Two that wanna stone me,
One says he’s a friend of mine

Take it easy, take it easy

Don’t let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can!
Don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand....
And take it easy

Well, I’m a standing on a corner
In winslow, arizona
And such a fine sight to see
It’s a boy, my lord, in a flatbed
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me
We may lose and we may win
though, We will never be here again!
So open up, I’m climbin’ in,
and take it easy
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen
My load,
got a world of trouble on my mind
Lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my
Cover, he’s so hard to find

Take it easy, take it easy

Don’t let the sound of your own
Wheels make you crazy!
Come on baby, don’t say maybe
I gotta know if your sweet love is
Gonna save me, oh oh oh
Oh we got it easy
We oughta take it easy.........

one more- just because I love it

links to a few things I'm reading.....

http://www.isec2000.org.uk/abstracts/papers_f/flude_1.htm

http://www.halexandria.org/dward385.htm

http://www.findlink.dk/index.php?id=plato

http://www.rep.routledge.com/article/DA026SECT3

http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/descartesmeditations.html